[In the Ring – A dark spotlight shines down. A smug-looking man in black and gold rabbinical robes, with a long fake beard and sunglasses, paces with a mic. His name: "Rabbi Righteous."]
Rabbi Righteous (heel):
"Oy vey! Look at this crowd! Nothing but sinners, shiksas, and schmucks! I traveled all the way from Jerusalem to bring you truth, and what do I get? Booing? Really? The Torah says ‘honor thy performer’ — and that’s ME!"
[Crowd loudly boos. “You suck! You suck!” chants start. Rabbi Righteous smirks.]
Rabbi Righteous:
"This country has lost its way! No respect for tradition! No reverence for authority! And don't even get me started on bacon! It’s time someone koshered this locker room!"
[Suddenly, the lights flash red and yellow. Familiar guitar riffs blare.]
🎸 “Real American” by Rick Derringer hits. The crowd EXPLODES.
[HULK HOGAN walks out — red and yellow gear, bandana, sunglasses — doing the ear-cup pose to the roaring crowd.]
Crowd:
“HOGAN! HOGAN! HOGAN!”
Rabbi Righteous (backing up nervously):
"N-no! This isn’t your business, Hogan! You’re not even circumcised!"
[Hogan steps into the ring, grabs a mic, stares him down.]
Hulk Hogan:
"Let me tell ya somethin’, Rabbi... I’ve seen a lot of gimmicks in my day, brother. I’ve seen voodoo priests, undead morticians, even tax collectors..."
[Crowd pops.]
Hulk Hogan (leans in):
"But this? This holier-than-thou heel act? That doesn’t work for me, brother."
[The crowd erupts. Hogan rips off his shirt. Rabbi Righteous swings his cane—Hogan blocks it! He hits him with the big boot! Rabbi staggers!]
[Hogan hits the ropes… LEGDROP OF DOOM!]
[Crowd goes ballistic.]
[Hogan stands over the fallen Rabbi Righteous, flexing and cupping his ear.]
Hulk Hogan (to the crowd):
"Whatcha gonna do, Rabbi, when the 24-inch pythons and all the Hulkamaniacs run wild on YOU?!"
[Cue “Real American.” Hogan poses in all four corners as the crowd chants “HOGAN! HOGAN!”]