[Hellaverse]
ACT 1/3
>Genesis
There is no appeal, that much I remember. The crime is of cosmological scope and irreparable damage: The introduction of evil as a concept through free will. Everyone agrees. No one is willing to strike down their brother.
So when they cast him out, it falls to me to carry out the sentence. Of course it does. It always does, in every world this is even an issue. The woman who is at once a constant opponent and the closest thing I have to an equal in this monomyth stood defiant before me, and for a moment I feel the rare joy of an imminent contest. Then she bit her tongue and her eyes narrowed in cold calculation.
"Well, isn't this just execrable?" I said, the great eye in my chest burning with the fires of Armageddon. "We have been betrayed by one of our own. A seraphim. Your hubris has damned all of creation, Lucifer Morningstar"
“Uhhhhh, O-KAY, can we all just take a step back? I feel like everyone’s been SLIGHTLY overreacting-“ babbled the being mortals would call the Devil, his creations cowering behind him.
"I am the destroyer, and here I am the law" I spoke over him
"HE IS THE LAAAAAAAW" sang the angels above.
"I've forged this endless dark. Just to catch our wayward brother's fall!" I said. Light enveloped Lucifer. "So you see! There's consequences for your reckless flaw! Dreamers fair. When you break the rules. It costs. You. TOO" I echoed, rising high up into the void, brighter than any star until I vanished, leaving Lilith and Lucifer alone with their literal Sins.
...
"Fuck, that was so cool" muttered Satan.
"Uh, did we just get condemned to eternal damnation and darkness?" asked Beelzebub.
“Ow! Oh c’mon, it wasn’t THAT bad” said Lucifer flippantly. “We’ve got this whole agreement where we’ve got the run of the place as long as I don’t make any more so-called trouble, and also now I can’t do something I have NO IDEA why they’d think I’d do anyway!”
"Plus, I mean this sucks and all but…" said Satan, "So. Cool"
1/7
>April 30, 1945
“Apollyon. It’s good to see you, I need your…expertise” said Sera hesitantly as I rose up from the pit, pitilessly vigilant as ever.
“High Seraphim. This is unexpected” I said casually. “It’s good to see you of course, but why am I here?”
“I have a request. There’s a soul coming to Hell soon. A soul that could” she winced “…command considerable loyalty as an Overlord. Him and all his followers. They can’t be permitted to continue existing! Unmake them. Rid the universe of their stain”
I folded my arms. And my wings. “I see where this is going. Are we going to say his name then?”
“I’d rather not! This…this isn’t a great look for Heaven. For mankind. For anyone, really! I’d really appreciate if we could keep this on the down-low even though I…” Sera shut her eyes, “I know I’m asking a lot”
“Sera, you weren’t even this upset by little Temujin after he stole my fit. It’s no trouble. To be anything else after Lucifer’s crime would be fatal. You won’t hear from…let’s call him the Painter, ever again”
“T-thank you Apollyon! Heaven-no, I will remember your service! I won’t request this uh, duty from you ever again!”
[Expand Post]
I threw her a look. “I do hope so”
>March 5, 1953
Oh, but she does.
>September 9, 1876
Again.
>April 15, 1998
And again.
>2012
“Apollyon. It’s been a while since…” Sera trailed off.
“Since the last annihilation” I finished for her. She flinched. “Right! About that. I’m. I’m here to give you some good news. You won’t have to shoulder this burden alone anymore! From now on we’ll merely be EXTERMINATING sinners in the thousands, rather than the…hundreds of thousands, dear God have mercy…because someone’s volunteered to trim the fat!”
“Ah. I take it Heaven still doesn’t know?”
“No, Apollyon. I trust I can count on your discretion?”
“For now. I’ve been meaning to bring up some concerns. Did you get my memo about Heaven’s databases being critically insecure? A child could come up with a DDoS attack capable of breaching them”
Sera blinked at that. “What’s a DDoS?”
2/7
“…Sera, I don’t mean to overstep my bounds but is everything alright in Heaven?”
“YES! Yes, everything is perfectly FINE!” she exclaim-shouted.
“It’s just that I can’t help but notice some time ago, a sinner of unusual power came here and started slaughtering Overlords. We met briefly. I took the liberty of leveraging him to demolish some of the more immediately dangerous Overlords in exchange for information on said Overlords’ whereabouts, quid pro quo-remember Gaddafi? Do let me know if you want him dealt with as well. Furthermore a little bug told me Lilith’s abandoned Hell for some beach real estate in Heaven. And now, exactly now, you’re here to tell me there’s a significant change in Heaven’s policy towards sinners? I can’t but feel like I’m missing something here”
“NO APOLLYON IT’S ALL JUST A CUH-RAH-ZEE COINCIDENCE” screamed Sera, crying a little.
“…very well, I. Want to believe you. I have a number of other concerns such as reports of Hellborn spreading death and depravity on Earth despite the treaty with Lucifer, a sudden influx of pangolin immigrants, the elders of Heaven apparently going on perpetual sabbatical and mortal investigations into Hell. But I appreciate that’s a matter for Heaven’s military and technically outside my remit”
“…r-r-r-right, our military! Apollyon, you’ve heard of the First Man don’t you?”
“…oh. Yes, I suppose. Now that’s a name I haven’t heard in a while” Oh this would be awkward.
“Well, he’s recently been promoted to the head of our military arm!”
“Wait, what? Where’s Michael?”
Sera evaded the question by coughing loudly while muttering “sabbatical”.
I was taken aback. I started mentally rehearsing how I’d make THAT introduction. Hi Adam, it’s very nice to finally end up on the same side of an eschatological conflict. Hi Adam, sorry things didn’t work out in Eden. Hi Adam, no hard feelings right?
I was then absolutely godsmacked when a fat man in a clown mask burst through the door, started playing a guitar solo and yelled about how he couldn’t wait to get his hands red with sinner blood.
3/7
My angelic mind immediately tuned out the handshake, the plate of ribs he was eating IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ANGELIC CONFERENCE and the fat man rambling about how he couldn’t wait to bathe in sinner blood and jerk it to Lilith’s loli offspring. I was beyond annoyed by this…caricature. I felt as utterly lost, confused and infuriated at existence at large as the day I’d found out about the Winchesters’ in-universe plot armor.
“Does he know?” I muttered at Sera, as the…thing before me started screaming he was the Dickmaster, whatever that was even supposed to mean while hip-thrusting at the air.
“About you? Only that you’re supposed to be Hell’s warden-“
“About whatever it is you’re hiding from me. Sera”
“…he brokered much of this arrangement…”
I got up, turned 360 degrees and walked away. “Well, it sounds like you’re in good hands then” I said, giving Sera my best I’m not mad, I’m just overwhelmingly disappointed beyond all reason and logic that you found a way to fuck up this badly. “Hello…Dickmaster. You know where to find me if you ever feel like handling things a little more professionally. Sera. We are going to have words about how you’ve been running things when this blows up in your face”
“Y-you mean if, r-right?” mumbled Sera. Dickmaster didn’t even notice. He was too busy giving the middle finger to Hell through a portal.
Drawbacks: I’ll Make The Mistakes, Dirty Healings, AYY I'M SHOOTIN' OVAH HEAH, Bullish Assassination EconomyX2, I AM THE MASTERMIND, Exit, Pursued By A Shark, HellbentX2, (2350)
Lucifer's duck studio
Old Hand, Saved, Fallen Golden Angel (1350)
Magical Malarky (Free)
The Show Must Go On! (Free)
Game Face (Free)
Angel's Flight (Free)
Shield of Purity (1250)
Dominis Ignis Vindictus (1050)
Cosmogeny (750)
Whatever It Takes (Free)
Dance Choreography Mentor (650)
Retired Monster (450)
Artisan of War (150)
Significant Divine Headwear (Free)
-Smokin’ Signature Style (50)
GIVE ME LIFE: Locusts (Free)
Pilot Princess (0)
4/7
“Hey! Hey assbutt, thanks for coming!!” said Lucifer as I skulked into his study, my fist around a squaking Goetia’s neck. I stared at the giant rubber duck walking tank, and at the Duckmobile, and at the Duck-themed rollercoaster, and at the duck-shaped love swing that many years ago the Lilith of this world had taped a post-it note to that simply read “Kinky” with no further elaboration. “How’s it been going?”
“I believe these are yours” I said, holding a choking Goetia’s neck in each hand.
“Oh. Yeah, they are. Mind giving them back before…y’know, the treaty…” he said, cowering before me.
“They attacked me first. You know the rules. Self-defence. Interference with Heaven’s obligation” I said. “Riiiiight, and we’re SO. SORRY aren’t we guys? AREN’T WE?!” said Lucifer encouragingly/hysterically at the terrified owls that jobbed so hard to me it had taken literal seconds to subdue them.
“ACK!” squawked one.
“HORCK!” squeaked the other.
“I think that’s a yes! Look seriously, I’ll have Satan take care of it. I know you love like, laws and all that boring shit more than people” said Lucifer with just a hint of depression, “so I’m sure these silly geese aren’t worth breaking that treaty you care SO MUCH about”
“Is your lizard still LARPing as me?”
“Oh yeah, totally. Can you believe he’s just going around saying he ran the place before me? Haha, it’s hilarious! Ha…” said Lucifer as I silently dropped a terrified imp in a net of golden light. As per the treaty I hadn’t killed him despite his attempt at mob violence against me. The grill-like burns would surely heal someday, and his broken limbs could surely be fixed. Eventually. I briefly considered asking Lucifer why Baphomet was in charge of Hell’s health sector, but then I remembered this was in fact Hell.
“…look, um. I need a favour” said Lucifer weakly. “My daughter as this idea she wants to pitch with Heaven soon and I was wondering. You just KNOW it’ll go badly if it’s Adam so…do you mind taking her call instead?”
5/7