>>34
Well, I would rather live a good life eventually than die now. After all the shit that I have been through, it would be a waste to die. Still, it would be convenient, not having to worry about anything anymore. But I don't want to die slowly, and I don't want to suffocate to death, because that almost happened enough times that I would rather not die like that. Anyway, right before corona, I decided that I definitely don't want to live like this forever and had a plan to get a job, but then this happened and now I'm postponing it. 
I decided to get a night shift security job so I can at least survive on my own and not worry about that anymore. That would also allow me to get away from this family and go live wherever I want to. That way, I don't have to deal with people, and don't really have to do anything so I can spend that time learning things. It would be good for me, because after so many years, I waste the vast majority of my time, because I'm used to having way too much of it for my own good. That would force me to focus more, and motivate me to spend my time better and actually do things.