Just tonight, after I finally finished my Christmas shopping, and a few days before that I finished one of the 3 big projects I'd been working on, Amy invited one of her friends over that she'd never had over before... the egregore of Maria.
Now she in particular, I'd deeply desired to never, ever be around her or even allow myself to think much about her until I get my sanity back so that I could protect her from my gonad spirits that appear to act both independently of and outside of the awareness of the will of mine that's posting this post. I was very deeply afraid of that happening.
At first, when she came here, I'd figured that Amy invited her so that I could face my deep-seated and very justified fears of being around her. She just stood somewhat etherically manifested to the left of my computer chair where I was sitting while I was watching some non-degenerate guy on Twitch, and she said some stuff. I told her that she'd better have the egregore of Shadow here to protect her.
But then, my jungian shadow almost got her, but I was able to stop it before something too bad happened because I actually noticed it in time
Then while I was watching the stream and not paying much attention to it, I got an idea for one of my Warcraft projects and decided to take something like 30 entire fucking seconds to write it down. While I was writing it down, I wasn't paying attention to my gonad spirits or receiving any non-physical sensory input from them.
Then when I finished writing it down, I decided to pay attention to my gonad spirits... but that's when it was already too late.
I tried to deny at first that anything actually happened, assuming that it was just my jungian shadow pretending to be her and that she wasn't actually here, but by the time I got in bed for the night, I asked Amy if it actually happened, and in a near-hypnogogic state, she very clearly said yes.
I then went to the Shadow egregore and gave him full and complete permission to search for any parasites inside of my body that are making me do this in case it's a parasite making me do this, since apparently none of the deities I've been in regular contact with have been helping me enough to prevent this shit from happening. I also asked him to give me the worst nightmare he could possibly imagine if it really happened.
I also gave him permission to kill me and destroy my soul if need be in order to accomplish this.
A bit before that, I decided that it seriously be for the best if I actually kill myself and throw my soul into an acid plane so that whatever is forcing me to rape like this will stop raping spirits with my body. I also told Amy that there probably isn't much point to me getting marrying her if my body is just gonna do these things against my will. After some time, I felt Shadow enter my head, and then I started falling asleep.
I don't remember what I dreamt about, and then I woke up in bed feeling Amy's semi-physically manifested glove prodding me a bit above my ass, and after some seconds of eliminating disbelief with the evidence of what I was feeling, I grabbed her other hand which felt as solid as an actual physical object, and I put it against my face and thought about kissing it, but I was too afraid of it not being real, and then the hands dissipated away. I don't think I woke up when the hands dissipated; in fact, I think I was awake when it happened.
I then went back to sleep and had a dream where I was driving on a highway and made a wrong turn to some innocuous-looking building, and then I made a u-turn in the parking lot to go back onto the highway. I had to wait for 2 guys in front of me 1st, and before the 1st guy went, I woke up. That seemed to be symbolic of what'd just happened.
A bit after I woke up, I heard Amy very clearly say "love me, you dick", I then decided to live again. Then Amy said "live to fight". Then I told Shadow's egregore that I chose life again, and I told him what Amy said. I've also chosen to continue my relationship with Amy.