I've started becoming much more introspective lately and evaluating friendships and past relations. Enough years have passed since high school I can review most of my former classmates.
It seems as you get older you stay the same, with all your tendencies either being amplified or reduced, but always present. Quite a few people have shown themselves to be duplicitous, and people I thought were bad in high school have become awful in adulthood.
It's a shame that many people I feel close to have shortcomings (I do as well, obviously) but I've started reflecting more critically on my interactions with people. One of them in particular hurts the most. He wishes the best for you as long as you aren't doing better than him. He rarely misses an opportunity to be underhanded, but does so in a way that can be easy to miss and subtle enough I didn't realize it until compiling all the incidents in my head. It's unfortunate since I've known him for years at this point, and he seems to do his best to hide the tendency, and convinces himself he doesn't have it. Self-delusion is perhaps the deadliest trait.
Also strange to see people shift their personality depending on who's around. I feel like no one around me is real anymore. I obviously hide my own power level and rarely give my own opinions anymore, so perhaps I'm no better.
It's also interesting to see so many people fail personality-wise as we get older. Canada seems to encourage a lack of personal responsibility. It's never anyone's own fault, it's some other vague group. Perhaps that's everywhere, or a trait of getting older and coping with personal failure, but I see it so often now.
I'm the sole reason I haven't achieved my own goals. It feels immensely liberating to say this.
I always think about my ex too. I don't really miss her, maybe just the sex, but I think she was the greatest teacher of the fundamental truth that people will conform to whatever is expected. She was trad Hindu GF here until she was with her friends, and became career randi. I wonder how much of our time together was even real, and I wonder about my friend, how much goodwill he actually lends me and what the friendship would actually look like given any amount of strain. I've known him so long I've seen all the phases of his personality. While I based myself on a rejection of what was popular, he's always tried to integrate with it. Sometimes it's shocking the amount of pandering he is capable of.
I remember in high school feeling something similar towards him and I ignored it at the time. I was not one of the popular kids, and so he would hang out with me as long as nothing better came up. Now I have actual social standing to a degree and he (as well as other people in high school) come to me for validation.
It's clear how many relationships are built on self-interest and delusion, catering to their own egos and I want no part of it.
The largest part that confuses me is his competition of sorts with me in regards to women. It's the main thing that got me to reflect on the relationship.
For reference, we look incredibly similar. Roughly the same skin tone, almost the exact same height, eyes, hair colour etc. My sister mentioned that we look like brothers.
But every time I have mentioned a girl the interaction with him seems to change, like he is suddenly competing with me. Like the entire friendship is in fact a contest, and now he can't win through other means (I believe sincerely I am smarter, for instance, and P4P or even absolutely I am fairly strong) that he then jumps on the opportunity to best me when talking to women.
I don't know if this is just paranoia, and my ex in fact helped feed that. My ex always felt I was much better looking than her and it caused alot of insecurity on her side during the relationship. I remember her saying, "Oh he looks good," when I was looking at my friends IG post when me and her had first started dating, and that stuck with me. I accept that it was likely just her trying to make me jealous so she would feel better (she was extremely jealous, especially when we had first started dating) and that she likely didn't even get a good look at the photo, but it's one of those memories I can't really let go of.
Since we look so similar too, I sometimes fear he is just the better looking model of me, or the band in the genre that just makes better music.
Some of it might be because I've known him since childhood, when he was unpopular, and it's carried over into his adult life. I think this is true, he's confided in me at times that his mental state can be precarious, and his sense of worth falters.
I've always been a loyal friend and wished the best, but it seems loyalty is a dying trait these days.
The other thing that bothers me is that I know he slept with the freshly broken up gf of one of our mutual friends. When I've mentioned specific girls, it's always become something of an issue.
What set me off on this tangent today is that we all went out Saturday and got completely plastered. What I thought was him hyping me up seems more and more like him trying to get me to fail in front of women.
Sorry yaros, trying hard to sort out my thoughts on this. I realize the personality I have, the friends I'm with, and the choices I make now will be with me forever. I've cut so many people out of my life but I don't think it was anywhere near enough. Thailand has a religious value to me now, I feel as if I will leave it a completely different person. What I don't know yet is if the change is for the better or the worse. The year long minimum I spend in Thailand will likely irreparably alter or even sever so many relationships.