I don't understand other people's happiness or why they want some things. I'm grateful to have gone to Europe, but it was a ton of money and obviously no problems have been solved. obviously this is a longpost and I wasn't too detailed after getting sick and I didn't log all days I was visiting. Here are some questions: - what the fuck is socializing for normans? are there fewer topics they touch upon? do they enjoy it? are they happy talkign to people? it all just feels like a distraction - why does my family want me around? this sounds retarded but I offer nothing to conversations and i do nothing in life, i'm uninteresting, i need to curate my responses to make it sound like i think life is worth living. - i guess people just take pictures to show other people places they've been and the particularly nice areas. - is there some unique feeling of happiness others experience or am i pursuing things so that in the moment i don't feel dread? Day 1, Rome Settling in has been confusing, considered going to solo traveller orientation. up to me to make this enjoyable but realistically i think this will be just like normal life. i want to do nothing and nothing happens and even things i authentically want to do end up being kinda meh. i feel nothing when i do them. should've downloaded more episodes of one piece. ate at an expensive restaurant and it really only feels good in the moment. i think it'll cost thousands for a trip i'll forget. Day 2 Dropped spaghetti with a group of milfs because was tipsy and i'm autistic. Day 3, Greece Darts are ~4-5 Euro and worse than belmonts. There was a redhead vaping and I should've approached her but I was too nervous. Do i need to perpetually drink to talk to people normally or authentically? I smoked under a tree near port, the food there sucked but was cheap. I don't understand why my family wants me around. I do nothing in life and add nothing to conversations. Feels like 3x350ml beers are what socializing should feel like for normals. Day 4 Woke up hungover, ordered room service. Walked outside and looked around but I don't understand why people take pictures. Yes, towns are beautiful but the pictures do no justice. I feel better around nicer buildings, I think. Maybe it's the tight knit streets, I don't think it's the architecture as some suggest. Heard small talk I wasn't involved in. I hate people where I'm staying because they're so rich and their conversations are shallow bullshit. Day 5, Croatia Had a crazy dream I was in montenegro and zendaya went swimming nude. on shore there was a bunch of confusing buildings, where I stayed was continuously changing. Some high school friends were there. Croatia is beautiful. Best place I've been Day 6 Sick Day 7, Montenegro Commie blocks look bad, some architecture is nice. Streets literally empty until 10am and then I had the best chicken fingers and fries of my life. Sesame seeds on chicken and weird spices on fries that tasted great. Besides that nothing of note. I just don't understand what people mean when they say they're enjoying life. To me it's mainly just avoiding suffering. Do other people feel someting I don't? I don't get it. When I get home it's not like I'll have anything to return to. I've enjoyed the trip thusfar, but there's no actual emotion. I just don't need to think about how shit life is with unemployment, poverty, no guvbux, loneliness, no passion, no interests, nothing attainable to strive for Day 8 Still sick and recovering since day 6, can't find a good hairstyle despite trying some products.