Don't pay attention to this.
Runie's stream last night was so incredibly depressing to me. She talked at length about how her job and her success in finding essentially two careers that she loves, and it was almost physically crushing to my soul. Runie is likely of a similar age to me, or slightly younger, and I haven't accomplished even half of what she has. Like her, I take care of my mother, except mine is physically disabled as well, which severely complicates what I could possibly do for work. She needs such constant help that most jobs are just infeasible. Like her, I struggled through college feeling like a fucking idiot and managed to get a degree in a scientific field. But unlike her, I wasn't able to get a job in my field after college, partly because I was never able to make connections nor take internships that would have taken me away from my caretaker duties, and partly because I went to university later in life and thus ended up graduating in fucking 2020. I struggled so hard trying to get a job after graduating and was never able to find one so I started writing. Miraculously, I somehow managed to have a modicum of success as a web-novelist operating a Patreon, and later managed to sign on with a small indie publisher to get my work onto actual platforms like Amazon. There were even print and audiobook versions. But the publisher ended up being fucking incompetent at advertising the books, and they flopped at the broader market. They haven't talked to me in 4 months now, and money has been drying up because the Patreon isn't doing well. I won't be able to support myself and my mother soon, so I've been trying to find a job again. Just another failed author to add to the pile. But I've been running into the same fucking issue that drove me to write in the first place. I can't get a fucking job to save my life, and Runie was making me realize how hollow it would feel to have a job that doesn't have a purpose to it in the first place, like hers does for her. Everything piling up like this is just driving me fucking insane, and I'm having a hard time keeping suicide at bay. I don't even know why I'm writing this here. Venting before my already terrible life falls apart even more, I suppose.