>>8130 (OP)
>I dont want to write a Bible or a personal blog here but...
Yesterday I went out with some "friends" from the university, while we were walking around the city each one said hello to some random guys they know around here, which in my case as I never go out and I'm a quasi-neet of few (berely any) friends I don't pass on it.
>Then
Then I saw a girl, she was my high school bully. She was exactly the same, she was pretty to me in high school. now I thought she was still pretty but more prettier and adult now. I felt an immense sense of joy when I saw her and started to feel too much nervous without know why
I feel cringe but it's like when you feel in love or something
I didn't even see her look at me and she was walking in the opposite direction right in front of me kinda with an appearance dissociated from reality, deppresed looking maybe. How she looked?
>She was looking down, she had a tired sleepy eyes look on her face and looked sad and haggard.
In high school she looked happy, healthy and normal to me, this image shocked me and turned me more nerveous maybe, I dont know.
I just walked by her and said "bye (her name)" and she just said "oh, bye" I think she didn't even look at me, she really looked sad and tired and dissociated from reality. I feel fucking sad at that moment like I need to do more for her.
As I walked away from her I started having intrusive thoughts as if my tulpa (yes, I created one unconsciously but I forgot about it) started telling me "Go fuck yourself, go hug her and talk to her" repeatedly. and the further I walked away from her the worse the regret and overthink got. I think I dissociated that I was in a group walking and i was walking and turned automatic walkinh and just i overthinkin couldn't leave the girl alone bacause something bad going to happen if i do.
In the end i do nothing with a lot of regretful.
>So
The time passed and I went to sleep ignoring the subject bacause of my tired mind and woke up thinking about her without knowing why.
I don't know what the fuck is going on, maybe it's that "white knight syndrome" thing.
Although sometimes I think that my tulpa (I don't believe in Jung ideas anyway) with his idea of the Anima asks me to be more affectionate with people. The tulpa is a idealistic thing to me maybe.
I am a schizoid I admit it, but I started to suffer overthinking then wondering if she was ok and I still keep thinking about her now.
I feel like a simp, or maybe I love with her or something.
The fringe thing is that I started to overthink like my tulpa was giving my advice at that random moment after a lot of time without forcing or talk.
>About the girl
I never like her to much on high school (she was my bully lol) but she was kinda...
>"to much friendly to be my bully" with me at the end year
We never become friends or something than doing good simple talks on class. Sometimes in high school I felt like she wanted to tell me something but she couldn't tell me. She had a boyfriend in high school but lately years he didn't seem so nice to her.
My mind at that moment walking close to her just say "dont do something stupid" but my tulpa or overthink mind like it was my core heart just keep saying "go with her she need it"
I am shocked by my contradictory thoughts.
>Also
A while ago I even started thinking about looking her up on the internet just to talk to her, even though I know it sounds immature and childish I don't want to do something stupid because of my intrusive thoughts.
I feel so stupid, schizoid, sad and empty anons.
Maybe tomorrow (or hours later) I going to read this again and I going to say "I sound so retard" I dont know.