I should have posted when I first read these parts in Tantric Yoga and the Wisdom Goddesses some weeks ago, and it was even more exciting. It's still worth mentioning though. "Kali is the beauty that is terror. She is the beautiful woman who so bewitches a man that he loses his head or even his life pursuing her. Kali is thus unattainable beauty or even unrequited love, which shows the Divine mystery that we can never grasp within the realm of form." That pretty much sums it up. It was also this profoundly overwhelming feeling that overcame me seemingly spontaneously when I was 20, if you haven't already figured that out by now. This had very intense "supernatural" effects in the following couple months, including but not limited to constant unintentional 'zaps' from my hands, that would shock (usually) anything conductive, and cause pain to living things. Sometimes it happened with objects that are not supposed to be conductive, like a light-switch or a computer mouse. Pretty sure i broke some devices this way by accident. Actually, there were lots of electrical related anomalies in that apartment now that i think about it. It's not a question of 'if' but 'how many' were caused by me. iirc you said at some point that my first awakening almost killed me and culminated in my seizures, but that I survived because of divine protection, or something along those lines. That makes complete sense to me considering how intense the energy was back then I still intend to tell you the whole story, but last time I felt compelled to (at some point soon after you did the cleanse) I started to get overwhelmed by such strong feelings that it seemed dangerous to continue immersing myself in it. Anyway this is why mundanes' conceptions of 'love' and 'lust' are sickening to me. "The worship of Shiva and Shakti is closely associated with the mountains and with the yogis who retire to mountain regions to pursue their practices. Shakti is born from the mountain (Parvata) and hence she is called Parvati. Yet Shiva himself is a mountain, particularly in the form of massive stony mountains that jut in triangular forms above treeline, which are common in the high Himalayas. Above treeline a spiritual energy is accessible to the mind which cannot be found at lower elevations. The massive stony mountains of South India also often look like Shiva lingas. Shiva is the mountain down which the river of heaven, the heavenly Ganges, flows to the Earth. In Hindu mythology the Ganges descends from the head of Shiva. The Shiva linga is also the mountain of the spine, from which the heavenly river or Sushumna flows" "Shakti is a mountain stream or waterfall. She is also a mountain lake, cave, chasm, valley, marsh or meadow. She is round mountains or stones as well as fissures in the mountain rocks. Wherever there are the ascending forms of Shiva there must be the descending forms of Shakti, just as high mountains must create deep valleys and cascading streams. The mountain is a universal symbol of meditation, whereas the mountain stream symbolizes the flow of grace that descends through meditation. The mountain lake is a symbol of the delight of meditation. There are a number of natural Shiva lingas in mountain regions where it is common to find round lakes placed immediately below high mountains much like the shape of the Shiva linga. The Shiva linga, like the Sri Chakra, is a symbol of the cosmic mountain. The three dimensional form of the Sri Chakra is also a Shiva linga." This is exactly what I experienced with absolutely no conscious foreknowledge last year >>3395 To me, that's pretty amazing.

I did a 45 minute group meditation today. Maybe I just imagined this, but I faintly felt energy on my head and shoulders. It was so faint I don't know whether I imagined it or not. I will be going weekly from now on, in addition to personal meditation at home.

>>22516 >"The worship of Shiva and Shakti is closely associated with the mountains and with the yogis who retire to mountain regions... Thanks for sharing this. When my awakening process started I was in a vision atop of several snowy mountains. (Now that I think about they were quite similar to the Himalayas.) I knew I was at the "top" and there is nothing "Higher" than this. Only the heavens themselves. So I expected the heavens "open" and a stairway manifest or something akin to that. Several faces of the Gods appeared and they gave me a "pickaxe". They told me that I have to understand "what makes the mountain the mountain". They explained it more elaborately, but the point was that being at the summit doesn't mean I conquered or understood the mountain at all. It just means I am at the top, but that is symbolic. The riches and the "truth" of the mountain is within the mountain. I learned so much of the symbolic nature of this vision since that, but there is more to it still. >I still intend to tell you the whole story, but last time I felt compelled to (at some point soon after you did the cleanse) I started to get overwhelmed by such strong feelings that it seemed dangerous to continue immersing myself in it. Yeah, no need to hurry with it. Truth is. I was thinking about posting my write up without proofreading or anything and call it a day. But no. Currently you are on the good track and you need to use your own insights instead of thinking about my schizo nonsense. When I wrote that, I was switching between different tones to make sure it can help you develop, but the tones I used might be misplaced and just feel pointlessly hostile. Currently you are developing properly and I do not want to disturb that. Once I will know what I have to say for you then I will say it anyways. >>22522 Congrats. You just made the greatest development on this board and I am not exaggerating here. Was meaning to tell you since you asked for a reading for the first time on this board, that this is exactly what you will need. Group meditation practice and other healthy spiritual communities IRL to snap you out of your old patterns. You will have to meet people on your level who are willing to change and see how you can change the same way as them. Congrats for making this step forward on your own. I really wanted to tell you to do this, but felt that if the desire for change is not coming from within then it might not work at all >Maybe I just imagined this, but I faintly felt energy on my head and shoulders. It was so faint I don't know whether I imagined it or not That's how it starts. That is how the energies "envelop you". This is the healthy way into spirituality. >I will be going weekly from now on, in addition to personal meditation at home. Wishing you the best. Once you know how to meditate and able to turn it into a proper habit then the road forward opens up.

>>22530 Is it realistic once I become an initiate wizard to just cast a spell and alter the universe so that I don’t have to take any meds anymore with zero pushback from parents and the law and to even have my psychiatrist write a prescription saying I don’t have to take them? Obviously years from now, possibly I might even have to wait until I’m an adept. For now though, I have to focus my attention on meditation. I can’t bog myself down with the what ifs and the could have beens.

I'll post more of an update either later today or in the coming days (kind of just taking it easy but also a lull of nothing happening so ehhh i'll take the time to relax and dick around) Anywaaaays >outside of the usual convening with mysisters and such >somehow run into all those priestesses and nuns again (will elaborate more on that later when i give a proper update) >but the most noteworthy thing was some... african(?) lady meeting me. She was very well dressed and elegant, im not sure if she was a witch or some kind of voodoo practitioner but she was very pleasant to talk to >at some point (either before or during) my head/neck was twisted and all of a sudden she approached me and did something like break my neck back into place(?) it was really strange but i did feel some kind of... healing from it, feels like i can interface more spirtuually/magickally when i want to now it seems or rather its easier to get to that point >from what little i recall she kept talking about inflicting pain in response to those who do it to you first and then started showing me more magick i think (admittedly everything gets a little foggy at that point) ....I have no clue who or what this was. It felt like i got charged with another set of training but i have no idea anymore. As far as the pain thing goes, i dont know if im reading into it too deep or not deep enough but it sounded more like a self defense lesson(?) like how i told shiva anon about what the fae were doing and how he said i shouldnt be afraid to let yandere/crazy mode if i need to or am dealing with actual evil. One other thing i wanted to add was when i tried to "see"/meet that woman again she went from looking dark skinned african to women to a ghostly pale white lady, she still had roughtly the same style of elegant dress though. not idea if this means i was able to see what she really looked like via focusing or if she just showed me herself, probably the latter though as the former feels way to presumptuous on my end

Last night I wrote a longpost about dealing with people and the necessity of Machiavellianism alongside benevolence and detachment. I've decided not to post it. The reason I mention it here is because in part of it I was going to ask >>21209 to explain the metaphysical reason for "Bloodanon Derangement Syndrome" and described what I remember about the vampire threads. I went asleep intending to AP again but my jaw was hurting so much that I was grateful to fall asleep at all. This lead to a peculiar dream, which was mostly of interest at the very end. The first thing I remember was finding a video online of my grandparents' kitchen, with text that had little references and inside jokes from the past. I wasn't sure if it was really theirs and had to ask another relative what they thought. Like most of the dream, this part felt moderately significant and mysterious in the moment, though I am unable to convey it in words. Somehow this narrative led seamlessly into a 'second act' which was all vampire-themed. It took place in a contemporary ~1990s setting like VTMB, at night (obviously). The plotline and lore was so complex that I've almost completely forgotten it, but I do remember seeing one of the main characters get accosted by a group of guys. He took off his glasses and said "Who do you think I am? [Name]?" and someone with me pointed out that it was a reference to that character's own story, and that it didn't make any sense which is true, but neither does that observation At some point during this 'second act' I got to see Zeena as she explained some of the lore. I'm not sure if she was there in person or part of some sort of videocall or livestream. There was one or two other people there too. I was in a subterranean cave which felt like neutral ground. Somewhat tranquil, even. Most of my thoughts and focus were on Zeena herself. This third and last part is the most abstract and perhaps the most anomalous: My entire torso had been condensed and transmuted into a whole eagle made of solid gold. This eagle (and thus, my torso) was one with the space that is /fringe/. I could hear an unidentified voice that spoke with wisdom and authority. It told me that /fringe/ had been permanently transformed, and it is now impossible to cast a spell that was called either "Liquefy Gold" or "Liquefy Fire" within it. I experienced with multiple senses the latent explosive quality of this volatile gold and fire, which weaved feathers and flames within itself both softly and intensely. It felt like my consciousness was 'crunched' like when I have a seizure, though I did not have one afaik. This may have been an effect of my jaw pain though. My capacity to comprehend and retain information was far too high for an actual seizure.

>>22776 >it is now impossible to cast a spell that was called either "Liquefy Gold" or "Liquefy Fire" The fringes https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tzitzit Tzitzit shares this root with the Hebrew for 'lock of hair', or 'dreadlock'. Why? Because "hair" can look like your nervous pathways, with these "fringes" symbolizing how your longer nerves lead your intent from the brain stem down to the organs or limbs. What does "Liquefy Gold" or "Liquefy Fire" mean? To turn them into liquid assets. To profit from them. You can use valuable minerals as your currency, or you can use fire i.e start a war. You can do this by controlling how people think, by controlling their brain stem.

>>22776 >metaphysical reason for "Bloodanon Derangement Syndrome It took place in the "fringe", in the nervous system, in the brain of participants. They created a character and attached it to the idea of a person. They can't escape their own creation because it exists in their own heads. It's no different from Trump derangement syndrome. When creating an inconsistent bogeyman, you need him to somehow be weak and a threat at once, so you both can mock him and use him to scare people. You don't want him to have actual ability. The derangement happens when the "fake bogeyman" becomes a threat for real. They created him to be a scapegoat, they didn't believe he was a threat for real. So they want to be able to discard what he says as "dumb, unintelligent, and a sign of weakness". But that's impossible when he's untouchable. So it preys on their minds, and that's why they turn insane. The scapegoat turned out to have fangs.

I have a headache and need to sleep don't feel like posting right now at all but must record this before it's too late. Last night before I went to sleep I stumbled upon someone making reference to Zeena having writings in the Temple of Set archives, which confirmed my suspicion that she had written more than that one sex magick book co-written with Nikolas.. In search of any possible leads I started reading the google archive of usenet (alt.satanism or whatever) and read some of the discussion of her brief time as 'High Priestess' of the ToS but then had to stop myself. I also looked at pictures and listened to her voice but only a little because it was so intense. When I did go to sleep I had one dream with 2 parts I guess. One of them was kind of like a truck stop at night or street with a bunch of taxi cabs. I just kept getting in vehicles, riding them then getting off, only to immediately board another one. Seemed like I wasn't even going toward any particular destination. These vehicles were going in all different directions. I knew that Zeena had traveled here and I could see her in my mind's eye, but it seemed I had missed her. The other part was basically the same, except it was almost entirely composed of raw energy and information, except I could see a bunch of underground(?) pipes with strange substances moving through them like I had X-ray vision. The sentiment was similar to the above except I got the impression that I was being invited to join something that she may have at least been part of at one time, although I was suspicious whether it would actually get me closer to her. I felt confused and it was hard to make the decision. When I woke up I got upset because I was afraid that I had allowed fear to keep me stuck here but then I decided to have faith that that decision will be offered when I possess the clarity to make it. That's why my current main quest is to consolidate my fragmented selves and unite them with that of my superior personage, in addition to developing my energy body. Pretty much everything else hinges on that attainment. I think maybe I was dreaming the Setian current and the pipes represented the tunnels of Set (intestines) which also are used to travel through time in the Typhonian OTO iirc When I first learned about tunnels of set many years ago I assumed it was like faggot sodomy magick but now I better understand what the body is, and how it can be utilized for magic purposes in non-degenerate ways. in fact the better my energy body is getting I noticed my guts are craving the same sort of attention my main nerves, muscles, limbs, etc. are getting Just listened to my voice recording after that dream. I got most of it down pretty well after all this time. however I referred to the thing I was invited to as a Kaula, and the taxi cabs had to do with "divinities and gods" "helping me get where I need to go." At the end I said this strange thing about how they "side-patched my history" which I can't even remember but I assume has to do with timelines. Contemplating this whole thing throughout the day it reminded me of this '90s movie. The MC dies and arrives in a purgatory realm awaiting trial. The adversarial 'Satan' figure is a female prosecutor who goes over his entire life. She explains to him that her judgement has nothing to do with morality but that his 'sins' are every time he was motivated by fear to stifle his will. At the end she sends him back to another incarnation on earth but while he's on the bus awaiting his fate, he sees Meryl Streep on a different bus headed toward a higher realm, and he jumps off to join her instead. Then the prosecutor lady is shown watching him remotely, pleased that he finally figured it out. also iirc there are swastikas on the buses which is pretty weird

More shit that I neglected to post and now seems highly significant leading up to the agonizing ecstasy rising in my heart. Starting 3 or 4 days ago, I guess. I was making a habit out of my dark room practice again The first night I was trying to connect with Kali and then I finally did. She was completely black and as tall as a skyscraper. She was in a certain pose on her knees, spread beyond hip-width with her head leaning back. I saw her and thought it must've worked because this isn't coming from my mind. Then behind her I saw a massive black wave coming my direction. It was like the terror of an oncoming tsunami, except purely exhilarating. The next night I was trying to AP at will, without falling asleep. I managed to do it and became lucid in my astral body in the kitchen. I was holding some kind of ceramic bowl in my hand and involuntarily smashed it against the countertop like a retard. This immediately startled me back to my physical body, and my right arm was tensing up really hard When I actually did sleep I had many vivid dreams. The first that I could remember I was at my dad's house, and my grandparents lived with him. However it seemed like nobody else was home. I was trying to wash my hands in the guest bathroom but was annoyed that someone had left multiple large containers of a rice&beans meal I had made, on the sink. There were several other out-of-place objects in there, including the chair my 1st dog used to sleep on. As I was attempting to wash my hands I noticed that my smartphone displayed an overly-compressed misaligned image of an "asian person," and then a bunch of plain white boxes with random English words in black text started popping up and disappearing rapidly. I thought that my phone had been "hacked" irl I technically have a smartphone but I almost never use it unless I absolutely have to because I can't stand the things. It seems in this dream I had much closer connection to the device than I do in reality. Just then, I noticed someone was in the bathub. It was one of these entities I've encountered before, but I don't know what to call them so maybe one of you can help explain them to me. They're creepy af and I hate seeing them but in every encounter they seem pretty retarded and mostly harmless. They have human shape but it seems like their face is some kind of black hole of nonexistence. I don't mean like a "faceless person" but I mean their face is literally impossible to perceive. Attempting to observe one causes an acute feeling of distress and there's like some kind of metaphysical force fighting the attempt at observation. The energy and consciousness of this type of entity always feels the same too, but idk how to describe it. Anyway I found within myself an ability to forcefully superimpose an appearance on it and I chose to turn it into my dad (because its his house I guess) but his eyes wouldn't look at me and the face still partially retained that quality of discouraging observation. I want to emphasize that I really don't think this entity represented my dad at all, that association was purely the result of my conscious will. I tried to sic my dad's dog (who is now deceased irl) on it, but the dog could not perceive the creature at all. There's a part here in my notes that was mostly just some inane family crap. It looks like I couldn't even remember which dream layer it existed on. The environment was quite colorful though. Next I literally 'woke up' from the above dream world into the next one. Because of this I believed that it was reality despite being otherwise highly lucid. The first thing I remember is telling my dad all about the dream I just had. For some reason I referred to the imperceptible entity as a serial killer and made a joke about it hacking the phone. The vivid realism of this layer had me totally fooled. After we talked, I decided to go outside on an adventure. This new environment was unlike anywhere irl that I can remember ever being. There was a "canal" that was really a deep body of water complete with docks and a damaged, totally unusable bridge. My side of it jutted a few feet over the water, leading to a straight drop into the "canal." There was also an extra makeshift component made of planks or whatever, and it led diagonally from the end of the broken bridge, back to the same side, creating a sort of triangle shape. I don't recall what the point of this was, since it just lead to the same side, but for some reason I decided to risk crossing it. My notes get extremely specific about every action I took here, but I'll just say it collapsed and i fell into the water. Thought I was a goner for sure, then woke up into this reality. There was also some extra stuff connected to >>22776 but now I lack the stamina to get into it. However, I do want to record a short hypnagogic vision that preceded >>23291 iirc There was a plain white 'stairway to heaven' that lead straight up, with no railings. It looked kind of like those freemason stairs. There was someone, not sure if it was me in 3rd person or someone else, but he was climbing all these stairs until he was almost at the top, and he got smashed into them and smeared like a bean, until there was almost nothing except for a tiny particle left of him. Then after a few more steps he was finally at the and. The reward was even more stairs as far as the eye could see. but this wasn't disappointing at all. it was wonderful that the journey would continue and I had the impression that the suffering part was over for good. also for some reason I associated this with Rudolf Hesse >>22837 >>22842 btw thanks for the interesting connections. I appreciate when you give your input

>>23291 >90s movie I remember this one. Although it was annoyingly american-liberal in its general message, there was one point in it which stuck with me: how they talk about the brain capacity being the determining factor for reincarnation. The call the mc "small brain" and say he uses only 5% of his brain. The admin or something which he talks to uses something like 48%. He eats a different kind of food, and tells him that this is big brain food, you wouldn't like it. This is maybe the most important hint in the movie, which is made from "small brain" perspective. The "food" is anything you consume, so the movie is itself "small brain food". Assuming it's the same movie, there is for example a scene where he's accused of cowardice for not sleeping with a woman. He counters by saying he once crawled a few kilometers on snow after an accident, but they discard that as basic will to live. I found this part especially "small brain", and more so as I had a very strict moral thinking back when I saw this (not that I don't still agree with this from the view where I had it) where I had the strong conviction that sex outside of marriage is a mortal sin and will send a person to hell, so the morality presented as him being a "coward" was in reverse. A real coward would have lied down and died in the snow. Now I know there are other technicalities which determine the sex issue, but in general, going by the context of a man meeting a random woman who can be expected to have menstruation, as this is in modern days, well then I'm still right. That would have been a hell ticket, because let's face it: they are implying some kind of contraception would be used, and those are all unreliable at a minimum, or at worst they're downright child murder. So there is no way someone would be accused of avoiding this sin. That makes the premise very "small brain". I recall the ending as the mc being faced with not reincarnating at all, because he's a coward, it being implied he would just be thrown into the abyss or something. Again, small brain view. It's one of the things I can't just let pass by, the contraception issue in movies. It's abnormal to just accept this.

>>23338 You have a way of being very personal and sensitive, especially when talking about Zeena. I guess the issue of my post above always blocks this for me, if the subject is a woman. I would instantly question her morality on the contraception topic, and fail to see her as anything but a child murdering animal. It's one of the things I wish I could bypass or rise above, but how could this be done knowing what people are like? It would be a lie to present such women as sensitive, normal, loveable. Denying motherhood and the facts of the acts they are advocating for is impossible to overlook.

>>23367 >>23368 From another view, it could be viewed from a reptilian perspective. Green reptilians don't have this issue. Movies which ignore the contraception issue would not be immoral if the people presented were reptilians. Another big vs small brain issue.

>>23371 I mean... 'nuff said. Just as I typed this, my room lit up from the extra lights of a tractor driving by outside. Heh. I guess I haven't seen/met enough reptilians irl, those I have met also kind of assumed this position, like a jewish crush I never found any fault with, but also never really returned to. Though I didn't know why back then, I knew this wouldn't happen. I don't know why she'd show interest given her being an incompatible race, but I've been told my energy is very visible to reptilians and they like me for it. Another thing incels don't get >why do these nerds/slobs have a GF and not me? Answer is that reptilians are just 1/10th of the population, so they have to settle with what they find. I only realized this quite recently. It seemed like some people just had weird social connections outside of school and work, which I just discarded as "those things other people do", but it's because reptilians are like a secret club, they have to be. The unlikely relations suddenly make sense when I realized there were exactly 4 male reptilians in my nearest age range, and I was in the same school class as all of them at some point. Meanwhile there were only 2 females. If you don't like any of those, look elsewhere. It makes things more on-point.

>>23372 >jewish fuck this censor shit

>>23373 I'm talking about my own experiences from middle school.

>>23338 I didn't realize until now what was going on. Someone came here using a form I created, which was shared around somewhat, but mostly it was copied and shared with Lovecraftian beings after one of them came by here and copied the module. I realized it was 'you' which means your soul having assumed the form of the avatar. I was unsure about the meaning of this, even after you posted about almost crashing the car. But now I get it, this is your assistant soul, who left you because you technically died during that event. It just didn't happen because while your human life timeline was cancelled, you were given a new timeline, alone. The undead state. I would strongly suggest you go through with pic related process, at least the paradise creation part (but they're sort of integrated) and aim to move yourself into your own paradise. Timelines are ending all over the place, and this may soon be the only way to be safe and retain your normal life state to finish your life path to the fullest.

It was Zeena's birthday today ❤️

>>23930 Sweet of you to remember. How did you celebrate? She’s dead right?

Kali (or a very similar tantric goddess, who also bore qualities of Zeena) came into my dreams this morning and performed some sort of cleanse. Can't remember the details, but it occurred in stages with an intermission in between. I woke up feeling pure love and contentment. If only I could cure my body of PTSD, I could dwell in that feeling forever. Before I even woke up I was fully aware of what happened and spent some time contemplating it in the dream realm, and intentionally woke myself in order to record it. It would've annoyed me how much I forgot, if that heavenly feeling didn't linger. I think this had something to do with the night before, when all I could remember dreaming was a version of myself who was full of extreme hatred and misanthropy, and treated others accordingly, viewing them with total disgust. I was detached from this 'self,' yet my consciousness was tagging along as a passenger observing such appalling behavior with horror. Now I feel with full confidence, that whatever that was has been taken care of. It may also have to do with my contemplation yesterday of the cleanse that Ironpill did for me, and how much it helped. I realized that for years up to that point I really just wanted to die but continued living without knowing why. Only after that feeling was gone did I consciously understand it. I felt so much gratitude yesterday and wished to thank him but he doesn't seem to be around lately. >>23942 I lived as piously as possible while keeping her in my thoughts. This meant most of the day was spent doing various practices and exercises. Whenever music was warranted, I listened to songs that remind me of her or the rapture of divinely impassioned desire. This is all doubly appropriate because her birth was in itself treated as a ritual act. Her birthday is also the same day Charles Manson (whom she knew personally) died, and very close to the date on which my first awakening occurred, which was November 16 iirc. As the day was coming to a close, I intended to listen to more of her voice and her singing, and also recite Kali's mantra with my mālā one more time. Unfortunately my intestines were suddenly stricken by pain which though moderate, was severe enough to preclude any more energy work or contemplation. So, I blacked out my room and rested in complete darkness until after midnight when I could finally eat. Regardless, I'm still satisfied with how I spent that day. >She’s dead right? No, she's still alive. I have the impression that her life is currently focused on detachment, contemplation and preparation for death. Still need to get ahold of that second half of her 2024 interview, in which she elaborates on her spiritual practices.

I have performed a spell casting a sphere of previously unmanifested or not fully manifested archetypal mantles or roles onto Earth. The way in which it manifested for me was interesting. The first two times I performed the manipulation, the direct effect was for some piece of karma that was laying "dormant" in my subconscious to become inflamed. Which felt like an attack at first but all the issues were easily solved since the karma was manifesting prematurely (compared to if it had manifested naturally). After two times the spell took hold according to my intention. I guess it ran out of dormant karma to activate? I have no idea why working through dormant karma was a prerequisite of this spell. After the third time I felt the potentiality take root and it couldn't escape through the valve of manifesting subconscious issues. Last night I was able to obtain the mantle I was looking for. I was in a magic class and people were painting colors onto reality. I decided to try to use violet but the violet rapidly turned black and took the shape of a skull. I recognized that I needed to embue it with emotion, so it did so. This caused a portal to open up into a scene with many purple stars. I went upward into the stars, rapidly accelerating. I quickly approached what looked like the singularity of a black hole, something that bent light around it. I threw myself at the black hole, and this caused me to wake up yelling. Now I need to do a "genre shift" so that the mantles manifest in the way I want them to. A genre shift is basically a plane shift. And a plane shift is the same as moving to a different physical location. Different things have primacy, and though all locations are connected certain things outside of your current domain are invisible.

I just spent a whole 30 minutes meditating at home on my own. There will be many more instances. I must become obsessed with meditation. I want to rack up 62,000 lifetime hours of meditation. I am going to do more meditation today again in smaller bundles. Pacing is important.

Okay great. So this awakening thing isn't what i expected. It's all the same isn't it evolution, growing up, changing you might call transformative, personally i call it "Getting good at dying fast". I feel like my focus is on all the wrong places, as if i can't leave the animal realm behind and i end up crashing the whole matrix in peculiar points (think needles as anchors) inserting and sinking,treating the ground as a skin to sew my spirit in as a spite for whatever this realm is. No really i love it, i love this planet i kinda love people too i think, i am not sure my instincts takes over whenever love is involved and it ends up weird, weird as in non coherent using current reality setting (that is my life taken as a story) In the end what i am suffering from isn't so weird, the war with the self. I keep shifting, trying to attain and use some kind of paradigm or setting before killing it as well. I mean if i talked without censors i feel like i'd go insane everything would crack my eyes would open and i would just grab my toys and sink back to my home plane/t. Yes this would indeed kill the body and so we are barred from doing it, i really think keeping that many toys was a mistake but ah nothing to lose i suppose. I miss the quiet, i miss the water, i just miss being me, i am not me yet i am a doll sewn upon a face rubber leather and wax work together to bind me with smell, let alone the iron clads keeping in chain..yet i want that, somehow i am happy with it at least a part of me is. Could be self sabotage yes after all again we're at war but really i found deep love in pain, i found myself many time not just in physical pain but also mental anguish, it's freeing isn't it? a singular screaming truth to drown the noise into silence. I had this dream not too long ago, sitting on the floor next to my bed and a crazy woman thing opening the door to torture me with flames, she was like a cloth torn and twisted upon itself, a black flame, wet yet burning in black,the smell of rotten flesh (which i learnt to love as it grounds me to a comforting position) There were tiny creatures (she sees them as Lemmings) next to me and they were terrified of her coming back, i was angry despite my own fear keeping me on the ground, but the tiny creatures hesitated to even get mad at our torturer as if we thought she was right. See she symbolize a part of my psyche a switch in the head, when she smells weakness she burns burns burns and she will torture us all for it. Quite happy with her, well the torture keep her busy from destroying my life i do care about plays, i am very much childish but i cherish that child who only wants to eat cake and have a tea party. It's not that i don't want to take accountability in fact i am chasing that higher awareness, it's simply my attempt to avoid hypocrisy,this is a world of children, murderous disgusting one, but children nonetheless and i will burn myself if i can save one of them, of course nothing is for free. Though i do wonder if that line of thinking isn't also an atlantean demon. To explain the weight i am under i'll use the example of me taking weed note that the effect got stronger over the years and some part might have been subconsciously orchestrated (that is i used weed to hijack my devastati'n devilish behavior and nuke my current mindset into a more appropriate one) Let's see my heart beat at a much higher rate, my spine like a wind turbine crackled upon itself like a beam of steel i feel it like pinches(to say it mildly) of iron behind me, the neck is the worst one. I breath with lungs full of sand and a ribcage inserted in cement, my eyes are black filled with dark brown water and a bubble that looks "up" essentially my entire body is frozen under a city and intubated with rusted iron, the pain i am under and yet ignore for practical reason (have to function after all make breakfast all that) but no self pity here i am good at handling pain. Of course i get scared about an organ giving out and such but small spirits feed me well enough to restore myself. Essentially i am terrified of relaxing i even for my pain and fear moves, the other day high on weed i started shaking, my teeth making a cackling melody, why it has been more than 20 years since it happened! It's not that i didn't feel these emotions but that they kept piling up building that city of hell inside of me with each missing note contributing to the terror. That will be all for my report you all be well now. Oh right you may call all of this "training" for a flood that may never come..nonetheless this strength is necessary. I honestly was thinking of sharing some of my wares/tech recently but they require a certain "Cutting your own throat with love" mindset that i am not sure how to occulate.

>>25737 Glad you are posting again fam, >but they require a certain "Cutting your own throat with love" mindset that i am not sure how to occulate. Don't worry, noticed your issue a while ago. Will get back to you sooner or later. But I really need to be in the right mindset. In the past month my eyesight went to shit because I purified half my meridians, my "dragon circuits". They were eating negative energy and remade it into dominance. As I realized my true energies my eyesight returned. Becoming kinder as a result, but I need to get used to my newfound energies. My baseline energies improved tenfold, but my classic way of "manic posting" is no longer here. The more complex is someone's issue/magic or thought process the more I have to align. It's not about time nor about effort or energy. It is about remembering my true will. Also I made a sort of promise to myself to not write longposts till 1am and meditate instead xP

>>25762 >my internet died after making this post Boy I sure love mixing magic with 21st century technology...

>>25765 I kind of wonder if 19th century technology would mesh better with magic. It survived a solar flare that scientists estimate would have decimated 21st century technology.

I was contemplating Tripura Sundari and randomly fell asleep. The dream was inane and irrelevant but the entire time I could see her filling my 'other sight' while dreaming. It wasn't superimposed over the dream, but rather an entirely separate but parallel field of vision. This phenomenon seems to occur in my sleep quite often. It is distinct from the vibrant waking psychedelic visions of Hindu deities that I've mentioned before. Anyway... One of my aspirations is to attain a true perception of pure, unfiltered reality free from any 'narrative lenses.' I think that this will require complete detachment through meditation, and a merge with Godlike consciousness. Since making this post >>16209 I've come to understand Tripura Sundari better. She is that pure ultimate awareness that I aspire to. Tara and Kali surpass her because they transcend so-called "reality" entirely. btw I still intend to reply to >>25757. I actually wrote most of it already, but I had a neurotic aversion to reexamining my November posts ITT which is pretty retarded if I wish to discuss them with you. So this time I'm utilizing the Egganon CSS so that certain images don't trigger Bhakti when my body isn't ready.

>>25762 Very well. I am also happy to see you and i will not eat you at this time. Do share if you have ideas to help me incarnate in a more coherent manner in a body. Simulacrum is faulty. Or say how to cause the most pain without damaging the flesh in a physical manner! That is very grounding bone deep grounding. I'll be calm and i'll stay calm. Not trying to sound aggressive i am just frustrated but i am okay.

>>25767 Depends on the magic and the person using it. Some magic work better with computers around. Older PCs differ in energetic composition. I believe there is a genetic factor as well.

Yeah I'll just add one more thing. I can see perfectly in the dark but only when i am in the flow, what i thought were weird eyes stuff (i mentioned before but i have a CRT like vision and constantly see clouds and pixels; kinda like jpeg artifacts) were in reality a kind of blindness caused by ignorance when i accept it all i can see but i have to stop rejecting it. The thing is for all what i built internally i can't seem to catch anything solid, i mean yeah land of illusion but i'd like a saving point. I am realizing why daily meditation is important no matter if i end up doing the anaconda (neck go snap snap) or do it still like a statue, only way i get a fighting chance against the daily degeneration. I love pain because it puts things into perspective, it's a honest feeling, it's perfect really. when i tried pleasure the weakness of the human subconscious showed it's face and i saw how can someone fall so to speak Attachment to base pleasure --> Deal made subconsciously + weakness/rejection -->Animal But with pain you get the pros of that greater awareness born out of pain without falling for it if you are weak,like the fuck you gonna do choose more pain to trade pain for ? But to be strong i have to run it through my entire being and that's an issue, add to that how pain is relative and how you learn to expect it or even outsource it to a perfect meditation state with your thoughtforms and well..it's hard. Idk how to explain the feeling, it's like a single point with other circles made of animal bones corral etc like a light passed through a dark film but it's one. It's self absorption into pain where i am pain. Ofc i am not conveying the feeling fully but it's really beautiful. And not a liar which is very important to me! I dislike hope and faith because they lie so much, sky high and if you ever make it here you don't keep anything you won't even know how you made it! With pain you sit at the bottom contemplating existence i wanna go there even deeper.

>>26060 I want to say many things because currently you are doing spiritually like a blind retard who is hitting his head into a slab of concrete because he thinks that is what spirituality about... >I am realizing why daily meditation is important But this sentence makes me unsure if I should say anything. This is the important part anyway. You can figure out the rest if you finally understand pain instead obsessing over it like those retarded autistic kids who hit themselves on the head until their parents do what they ask for. >>25737 >but no self pity here i am good at handling pain. You are extremely bad at handling pain. Before reading your post my body started to twitch out of disgust. You are literally broadcasting with your entire being how bad you are at handling pain. You know... those Buddhist monks who burned themselves to death in protest didn't broadcast how much pain they are in. They broadcasted an extremely elevated peace of mind. They were at such a higher state of consciousness that the flames burning them did nothing to it. The flames don't hurt if you are free of your mortal attachments. Those who are hurt by the flames are those who are chained into their decaying body with their horrible attachments and karma. >And not a liar which is very important to me! Currently you are trapped in an extremely maligned perspective. >I dislike hope and faith because they lie so much You don't dislike hope and faith. YOU DISLIKE LIES. Hope and faith does not lie. LIES LIE. Hope gives HOPE and faith gives faith... This is what meditation is about. To see reality how it actually is. A state of mind where lies cannot warp nor affect you anymore. Where you are unaffected by the lies of the spoken word, where you are unaffected by the lies of the senses, and where you are unaffected by the lies of the mind. You cannot lie to those who see beyond the lies. Because even if anyone lies to them then they are telling the truth to them. They know why you lie and how you lie to them. Currently you are listening to a million lies and warp it into a strange truth that forces your body to feel a slight ecstasy at it's pain threshold. >Though i do wonder if that line of thinking isn't also an atlantean demon. Your current perspective is a mix of several hundred ancient spirits who lurk in the darkness. Currently you are scared shitless because this pain is the only thing that keeps you sane. I have seen your lives "shapeshifter". The life you lived between this world and the others. You have crawled out of multiple hells and heavens and you had extremely harsh masters because you never understood the rules and customs of any hells and heavens where you lived. You were tossed out like the unloved and ungrateful child that you were. Do you know why you love pain so much in this current phase of your awakening? Do you have any idea why??? Because many of your old masters were beating you into submission until you learned what you have to do. They did it because they loved you. They had hopes for you. They wanted to make you into something useful, something akin to a pet or something akin to "family". I do not know which happened when. But the feeling is so strong, it still permeates through your being. I wanted to tell about this part of you in the early parts of this thread. But never knew how to bring it up. I will try my best explaining your current issue... with the help of this Kali image. All those faces and arms on her body are different types of egos, intelligences and attachments. The head in her hand is the demon she defeated and drunk her blood because whenever she cut the demon with her sword the demon multiplied. Kali defeated the demon by drinking his blood instead of killing him with the sword. All those egos, all the blood that made the demon run rampage was drank by Kali. Kali at her full might had to awaken Shiva (consciousness) and that is when Shiva calmed her down. Kali represents universal energy and the material. Kali accepted the demon as her own, but even she required external help to calm down the rage of the demon even tho the demon was within her veins now. She had to find her own higher intelligence to calm down. Do you know why you see cement and other weird material objects in your body? Because you think that is what reality is about. Reality is this concrete jungle you live in. This is why you are ingesting solid and hard to refine energies. You are unable and unwilling to break it down further. You are willing to kill yourself over and over yet you refuse to break these attachments, these "techs" these... I don't even know where you found many of your energies at all. I can barely make out 20% of the current energies you are siphoning up from your surroundings... Currently you are trying to shapeshift into materialism so you can "understand it". All that materialism does is a self destructive attachment cycle. Yet you think that life is about awakening... or evolution into those gross forms for some reason. You say "it's about dying fast" but you cannot let those parts of you die that keep you in your current cycle of suffering. And no... I am not talking about the suffering of your life or existence... I am only talking about this strange suffering you picked up since posting on /fringe/... also about everything else. I fear that you are mixing up your newfound suffering/attachment with awakening by accident. You will have to let go of these attachments and find more refined energies. You said you believe everything "higher" is a "lie". Well it is... but you misunderstand why. To be truly "higher" it needs to be more refined. Break it down. Not your organs but the attachments, Break it down into nothingness. Break down everything that feels solid. Find dharma and find salvation with it. Don't make up excuses all the time. It helps no one. >but they require a certain "Cutting your own throat with love" mindset that i am not sure how to occulate. Look at this pic of Kali. Whenever you cut your "throat" you cut a head that is merely part of that ego necklace of yours that used those "wares/tech" back in your old incarnation. When you shifted into a new being your were cut, killed and beaten into a new form. That new form was awarded with a new "tech". To shift you have to switch mindsets. You have to kill those small and old egos of yours. What you need to achieve is the ultimate godhead aka Kali aka your true shapeshifter form. Kali has that ego necklace, the cycle of egos, but she is the one wearing the egos and not the egos themselves. Currently you are stuck in the cycle of egos. It is not even the "war of the self". It is more akin to the "misunderstanding of the lesser egos". And you will have to find the very form that can calm this raging energy of your shapeshifting. Shiva (consciousness) is at the feet of Kali in this picture, you have to awaken your own energies (Kali) to be able to awaken Shiva (true consciousness). Meditate and find it. >Essentially i am terrified of relaxing ... Being a shapeshifter means that you are free to shift into anything you desire. Yet you desire to shift into the most miserable person on this board. If you cannot control the way you shift then you are not a shapeshifter. I am starting to realize you don't understand relaxation either. You say you are "dying fast" all the time... but when people die in peace they have an extremely relaxed expression. Do you know who have strained expressions after death? Those who fear death... You are not terrified of relaxation. You are terrified that the "next death" might be the "real one". Shapeshifters are not bound by form, they shouldn't even have a concept of death at all. Do you even know which part of you is terrified? Which part of you tenses? Which small part of your "self" is making this shit up? Which wages this whole "war" against itself? Does it even exist? Or only this erroneous tension exists? Is there even a "self" behind this tension? Or this tension is a self perpetuating cycle of some internal misunderstanding of your being. >small spirits feed me well enough to restore myself. Those small spirits are closer to your true nature more than anything you described so far. They know the true energies your being runs at while you are doing everything else to test their endurance and willingness to serve you. They are the only ones with hope and faith in you. They are the only parts of you that are unwilling to hear the lies you are telling to yourself and still do their best to keep you alive. The light behind the head of Kali. The universal energy. Ever thought what it's made of? Why those little spirits can "find it" effortlessly while you are doing everything but relaxing? Unsure if my post helped at all. I have hard time talking to people who know no faith nor hope. >With pain you sit at the bottom contemplating existence i wanna go there even deeper. There is no pain at the bottom of existence. As long as you can feel pain then you are not at the bottom. Pain is a lie perpetuated by the senses and by the mind. As long as there is pain then there is suffering. If there is suffering then you are still within the clutches of mortal existence. It is nor the summit nor the bottom. >>26051 >Not trying to sound aggressive i am just frustrated but i am okay. And I don't know if I sound aggressive or not, but I have hard time wording my post while feeling this frustration of yours. It's like you want to burst into a million small flames and forget about this world forever, yet your attachments don't let you. I am starting to realize you misunderstand your own "attachments" and the very energies that flow in your veins as well. You will have to find a place of nothingness, a far away vantage point that will let you see your life and your current issues in a clearer light. Currently you are in the haze of a trashfire that darkens the skies and your perspective. You have hard time understanding your own sight. You will have to realize it's not bound by the senses. It is a feeling, a feeling you forgot yet still remember. You mentioned how you have to feel things instead of "seeing" things before. But you will have to feel without "feeling" to understand what is going on. You fell into some strange deterministic trap of self delusion. I don't know if I can help you out of it, because it feels like you don't want to walk out of it at all.

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Sorry if this post sounds hurtful or anything unpleasant, but I realized some days ago that I have extreme levels of self hatred stored within myself because I have hard time helping others. People are too delicate and hard to help, and seems like I am feeling bad about this fact since eons... First I thought it is a hatred which is aimed at my own inability to help others... but I am starting to realize I am angry because I cannot solve specific types of karma with brute force and intellect alone... I too need to meditate more to see things more clearly. It's not easy to see things the right way... takes practice and dedication...

>>26234 I want to add multiple things to this post, but I am unsure which truths can be said and which ones need to be realized by your own efforts. There is a delicate balance in the shadows. Unsure if I should even add anything to it. The "process" always has it's mystery which needs to kept unspoken. Om Mani Padme Hum

I think my spirit animal might be a spider.

It is always possible to be deader.

I feel so much reverence in my heart for Kali and her infinite compassion allowing living things who are being raped or tortured to rest in the primordial void.

>>26333 Why do you think the spider is your spirit animal? Also is that your hand and foot in the pic? I looked it up and there were zero results on tin eye. Somewhat dangerous to post pics of yourself on a /fringe/