>>20711
I really encourage you to speak to a therapist, and I'd be shocked if they equated ABDL with being a pedo.
I have a psychology degree and even though ABDL isn't a common area of study for psychologists, Freud certainly had a lot to say about the relationship between personality (e.g. neuroticism, tendencies towards anxiety) and toilet training in the anal stage of psycho-sexual development between the ages of 1 to 3 (e.g. 'anal-retentive').
I mean, even ignoring Freud, the roots of ABDL seem kind of obvious. You have a period of time where our infant minds are particularly impressionable, and during that time we suddenly go from 'intimate, caring, diaper changes' to 'pants down, on the potty, punished for accidents, bright lights and loud flushes when we wake up to use the toilet at night, potty charts and pressure' etc.
Especially for those with autistic traits who find it harder to adapt to change, it's no surprise why our brains might have been hardwired to associate 'diapers' = 'safety, love' from such an early age.
As a counter-point to the stories above, I remember feeling for all of my early life that if anyone discovered I was ABDL, I would definitely kill myself. I was in my late 20s, kissless virgin and much more comfortable with the idea of being alone forever than opening myself up to a woman and being humiliated for my fetish.
Then I met this woman who seemed to be interested in me. I remember hoping she'd leave me alone, I thought humiliation was inevitable. But a big part of me also liked her, so why not go on a few dates, maybe feel what it was like to have a girlfriend, and hopefully she'd just break up with me before she even discovered my ABDL side.
Anyway, we liked spending time together, our dates went well and we grew quite close. We began sharing secrets, and after she shared a very sensitive secret of her own, I decided to tell her I found it comfortable to wear adult diapers sometimes. Her response wasn't great. She went quiet, and was like "Oh..." and didn't seem to really understand. She later told me that she felt like she was in a weird dream, because what I said was so completely alien to her. She had no idea ABDL was even a thing. But then she frowned and said "But if that's just something you do by yourself, in your own time, I guess that doesn't change anything."
So, my ABDL side was 'tolerated', barely. She didn't want to see me in a diaper, or where I hid my diapers, she really just pretended that my ABDL side didn't exist. One year later, I was dealing with a lot of stress at work, started getting anxiety at night, so I began sneaking away, putting on a diaper, and coming back to bed while she was asleep. She caught me a few times but said nothing. Eventually, that turned into me wearing them while she was awake, sometimes without pants, and she still said nothing so I thought maybe it was okay now, maybe she didn't care.
There was a bit of a backlash, she was upset one day and confessed that she really didn't like seeing me in a diaper, that it clashed with her view of me being strong and masculine. I felt really ashamed and purged all the diaper stuff, because I liked her thinking I was strong. But then she saw how ashamed and repressed I was, so she apologised and agreed that I should be able to wear a diaper around her now and then.
A couple of years later, she became curious about being a domme in the bedroom - whips and bondage, not really my thing. But I was happy to help her experiment, and in return, she agreed it was fair for me to experiment with wearing diapers more openly, until I was eventually wearing one on a few days every week. She lost interest in the domme stuff, but I could also tell that she was still uncomfortable about me wearing a diaper, like she avoided looking at me whenever I did. I got her to confess as much, and it pushed me into another period of purge and shame. She tried to help me break out of that shame, and I told her that I wanted to train myself to bedwet in diapers every night, so diapers felt like a functional need rather than a shameful source of pleasure or comfort. Surprisingly, she agreed and, also surprisingly, it worked. There were plenty of nights that I forced myself to wear a diaper as part of the training, even when I didn't feel like I wanted to, and it got rid of the shame entirely. No more binge/purge. I used them at night, it scratched my ABDL itch, I had a shower in the morning and genuinely felt no further compulsion to wear them during the day, even when masturbating.
Eventually, I also lost interest with training to bedwet, and started to just wear diapers whenever I felt like it, but now with less shame. She could see that helping me let go of this shame was certainly a good thing for my mental health, and she wanted to help. So for the next year or so, she made a point to give me a pat on my diaper now and then, or call me 'crinklepants', just little things to help reassure me that this was okay. This soon just became second nature for her, a normal part of our lives.
We got married, and a little while after the ceremony, she told me a secret vow - if I wanted to wear diapers every day for the rest of my life, even if I wanted to wet and poop them 24/7, she would still be excited to be with me as my wife. She literally said "We'll probably end up in diapers when we're old anyway, who cares if you get a headstart."
During our honeymoon, I had some diapers with me to help me sleep in case I felt anxious or agitated. One afternoon in our hotel when we were playing on our phones, completely without prompting, she asked if she could diaper me. She was literally giggling when she was figuring out the tapes, and when she was finished, she gave the diaper a pat with a big smile. I had tears streaming down my face and I hugged her so tightly I was worried she might break. It was the most profound feeling of acceptance and love I've ever experienced. Life-changing. It's one thing to find a way to accept yourself, it's quite another to have the most beautiful woman I've ever seen walk in to my study with a cheeky smile and a diaper in her hands like an excited cheerleader for a part of myself that once caused so much shame and self-loathing.
So I completely understand where you're coming from with feeling suicidal, like you'll be alone forever. Please don't give up. One thing I will stress though is that ABDL is part of who you are, but it can't be the only part. I think my fear of rejection and shame around ABDL might have, in part, motivated me to put in more effort being romantic, being a more generous lover, but now I also enjoy the benefits of the incredibly strong and loving relationship it built.
I sincerely wish nothing but happiness for you, friend.