>>234
Upon actually thinking about it, elaborating turned out to be alot more work than I'm willing to do, so for now, I'll just describe how my desires are out of control and describe my awakening experience.
Basically, I've had a hyperbolically-bad intrusive thought problem for the past several years.
These thoughts presumably all stem from a desire to be safe from external threats, and to not be a nuisance to others(and therefore decrease the likelyhood that others will pose a threat to me). I also happen to be a huge pessimist, which is probably because I browsed /pol/ so much that they didn't have anything much left to teach me by the time that cloudflare took down 8chan in 2019, and the state of politics is, well, the state of politics.
Furthermore, on a note that's probably very relevant, a psychologist who I'd used to visit that's also a neurologist and had me hooked up to a neofeedback machine whenever I was there told me, who suffers from ADHD & OCD
I'm unmedicated these days, that my brain constantly needs to be jump-started in order to stay awake. Whenever it wants a jump-start, it sends out a 25hz brainwave, and then I get a thought that provokes me into doing something that generates a bunch of, iirc, beta waves, especially by moving my muscles. However, a huge non-muscular response presumably does that too.
Generally, these intrusive thoughts are executed so quickly after their manifestation that I can't reasonably use my mental reflexes to prevent them from being executed; all I can do is try to stop them. Theres absolutely nothing that gets mercy from being targetted by my intrusive thoughts; not me, not my loved ones, and not even my deity. The harder I push against my intrusive thoughts, the harder they push back, which kinda makes sense if I view my intrusive thoughts as a thoughtform that wants to be fed. By now, I've suffered a huge amount of trauma at the hands of my intrusive thoughts.
My intrusive thoughts basically take these thoughts of my desire for safety
I just realized today that this is why; safety and turn them hyperbolically counter-productive; for example, if I think of the concept of some demon, I'll likely start to actually believe that my thoughts had coincidentally reached out to it and made it decide to come over, and then I have to get my deity involved
the Holy Trinity of Christianity, mostly The Holy Spirit to come bail me out, or I'll occasionally feel confident enough in my power to take care of it myself, but I haven't felt like that in a month or two. Fortunately, my doubts(or possibly higher STOs) prevent such beings from doing alotta stuff that they'd probably have the power to do under normal circumstances.
As another example, if I think of a deity, say, Zeus, then I'll realize; "Hey wait a second, my thoughts are probably reaching out to him, which means he's hearing my thoughts; even if he isn't really listening, I'd better not think of anything that'd piss him off and just leave him alone."
>try to stop thinking about him
>the same thing happens as when you ask a typical guy out of the blue to not think about elephants; he suddenly starts thinking about elephants
>suddenly get a urge that manifests and get executed faster than I can reflexively respond to it to think about dumb shit and try to piss him off
>have to get my deity to bail me out
You probably think it's just my imagination gone wild
I fucking hope it is, but I actually contacted Isis this way a few months ago and asked her to just look into my history, which I was pretty sure she could do in what I'd perceive to be an instant, instead of me going through the trouble of explaining why I didn't actually wanna contact her and just leave her alone and how I can't simply control my intrusive thoughts. A few seconds later, I was compelled to believe that she wanted to offer me some sort of sympathy, and then I felt enveloped by some sort of yellow energy all around my body, which I'd assumed was a donation of energy that I'd then absorbed into my body and thanked her for. Something comparable happened with Athena at a later date, but instead I didn't believe I'd get any sympathy and then I felt my right hand enveloped in some white energy, which confused me for a few minutes at first and I tried to get rid of it and couldn't. Then I realized it probably came from her.
And now, another example of my intrusive thoughts:
>thinking about an entity happens to have what resembles physical reproductive organs
>my former porn addictionI haven't been to a XXX site in months will, with no warning, imagine the entity getting fucked by something that it probably doesn't wanna fuck, and therefore, being defiled by another entity
>realize that since I'm imagining it happening and I'm probably targetting the spirit itself instead of a thoughtform of it for the same reason as I'd mentioned in the second example
>realize that I'm defiling the entity
>have to jump into action to stop it and get its effects un-done
And another example; this was the main type of thought that'd occured for most of the time that I've had this problem; basically, my intrusive thoughts sorta tried to gaslight me into selling or donating the ownership of my soul and/or free will to satan or some other 5D STS. Every single time except one time, I was able to stop it from actually happening, but once I actually got confused enough by the thoughts that I couldn't make enough sense of them to prevent it from actually happening, so satan actually entered my head on the spot, which I felt, and I used the last few seconds of agency that I had left to ask the Christ to save me, which He did. That happened during the first year or two of my intrusive thought problem. I haven't lost my ownership since, but I'm always extremely vigilant about it, and have gotten very good at resisting especially crafty means of getting me to give up my ownership.
As another example, my request-based reality creation(prayers) almost always would get subverted within a few seconds of beginning them, such that the target of who I'm praying to would get switched from my deity to Kek
I used to have alotta intrusive thought problems with him, but by now they're basically over with or some 5D STS, and then I'd just stop praying on purpose because it'd be more damning to keep trying than to give up since I couldn't re-direct them back to my deity. Fortunately, this doesn't happen much these days, but I only pray when I need help, and I often have to struggle to keep the target of my prayers the same.
And as yet another example, my main(and I think only?) form of magic that isn't request-based reality creation is command-based reality creation, based upon the old reality creation 101 thread. I've gotten great results with it before, but at some point, my intrusive thoughts began interfering with the magic directly by injecting their intentions into my magic before I fire off the spell. Earlier today, however, I'd realized that I could just use that kinda magic to "cause all of my magic, intentional or not, to not act upon any intentions that I'd normally deem to be unwanted thoughts", but right now, my confidence in my magic is low compared to what it was a month or two ago, so it probably wouldn't work until I feel more confident again.